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Legal Humor

Occupation of God
June 11, 2017

At a very elite party in Beverly Hills, three professionals–a surgeon, an engineer, and an attorney–stood at the bar enjoying a martini. Each was successful, well-known, and respected in his field. As the party proceeded and the drinks flowed, they became involved in an intense, philosophical conversation. Soon, they were debating what God’s profession must have been when he created the Earth.

The surgeon spoke first. “Life only began after Eve was formed, and she was made when God removed one of Adam’s ribs: clearly a surgical procedure. Why, an engineer or an attorney couldn’t have done that, and life would never have begun if God hadn’t been a surgeon.”

“Good point, my friend. Good point,” conceded the engineer. “But the thing is, God had to be able to create the actual world out of chaos. Only an engineer could build a marvelous functioning planet out of chaos.”

“Yes, yes,” interrupted the attorney. “But who created the chaos?”

Nervous Young Lawyer
June 11, 2017

A well-known, elderly judge had a case before her in which the plaintiff was being represented by a nervous young lawyer, Jason Ash. When he arose to begin his address, he tripped while approaching the bench and dropped all of his papers. Finally, straightening his tie, he began, “M-m-my unfortunate cl-cl-client . . .” and could not stammer out the next words. He tried again, and in a shaking voice warbled, “M-m-m-y un-un-un-unfortunate client . . .” and again got stuck and could go no further. Clearing his throat, he took a deep breath and had another try: “My-my unfortunate cl-cl-cl-cl-cl-client . . .” and again his voice failed. He looked around miserably.

“Come, come,” interrupted the aged justice, “proceed with your statement. So far the court agrees with you.”

Eager Young Attorney
June 11, 2017

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office. He’d decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door. He’d placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting for the phone to ring or his first client to appear.

Suddenly, he heard the elevator doors closing and footsteps coming down the hall toward his office. He wanted to give the impression of a successful professional, so he grabbed the shiny new phone receiver and plunged into imaginary conversation.

“Yes, Mr. Torrence,” he intoned as the stranger entered the office. “I’ll attend to that business as soon as I’ve a free minute. I’m sure you’re aware that Mr. Hollings had wanted me to handle his estate. I had to put him off, since I’m far too busy with other cases, but I’ll manage to sandwich yours between the others somehow. Yes, yes, certainly, it’s my pleasure, sir. Goodbye.”

Certain that he had properly impressed his prospective client, he hung up the receiver and turned to face the stranger, who was patiently waiting.

“How can I help you?” asked the attorney with an important air.

“I apologize for disturbing you,” said the man. “I’ve come to connect your telephone.”

Judge Judy: Inadvertent Admission
October 7, 2015

In this “case” before Judge Judy, the plaintiff claims her purse was stolen by the two defendants who deny the allegation.  Watch what happens.


Actual Stupid Questions Asked By Attorneys
April 28, 2015

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune.  They were taken from real court records.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?  A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”  Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?  A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That’s me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I’ll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So, you were gone until you returned?

Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary’s Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Ounces of Brain
April 28, 2015

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.  He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.  He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”  “Three dollars an ounce.”

“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”  “Four dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”  “$1,000 an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”  “Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

What Type Of Tracks
April 28, 2015

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.  After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.  The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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