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What Type of Tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.  After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.  The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Ounces of Brain for Sale

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study.  He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.  He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"  "Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"  "Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"  "$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"  "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

Actual Stupid Questions Asked

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune.  They were taken from real court records.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?  A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?  A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So, you were gone until you returned?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Replacing Lab Rats with Lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.  Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit.  Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.  This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.  No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

You're a Lawyer If . . .

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Leaving Money for the Dead

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.  In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate.  The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.  The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Legal Quotes & Quips

When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;

When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;

When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.”

-- Lin Yutang

“Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”

-- Ambrose Bierce

"A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”

-- Benjamin Franklin

“Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.”

-- Oscar Wilde

“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

-- Lenny Bruce

“I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.”

-- Voltaire

Trying to be Impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.  When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.  I'll have to get back to you then."  He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

Stupid Attorneys

A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."

Need a New Lawyer

Warning signs that you might need a different lawyer:

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

5. A prison guard is shaving your head.

Question and Answer Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?  A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?  A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?  A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?  A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?  A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?  A: No changes occur.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?  A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?  A: Never enough.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?  A: How many can you afford?

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?  A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?  A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? A:  An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?  A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?  A: They lie still.

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?  A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?  A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?  A: Now she’s a loan shark.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?  A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?  A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?  A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?  A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?  A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?  A: Not enough cement.

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?  A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?  A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?  A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.